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May 14th, 2005
04:00 pm - beat that hot heat
awesome show at decleyre tonight
i can't express how awesome it will be
water balloon fight as well
doesn't get better than that
458-9907 if you want to come but don't know how
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April 10th, 2005
09:56 pm
how in the hell did i get logged into this journal?
oh, well. might as well say that burst lives again. if you know it you know where. but, uh, that's not my diary. that's not my thoughts. it's more of an experiment.
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09:30 pm
what a wonderful, wonderful time. it's great seeing those kids. and those kids that i speak of should totally know who they are. people that awesome and beautiful didn't exist when i was their age.
god, that sounds so stupid. when i was thier age. that shouldn't have any meaning.
i want everyone to know fully that you don't need anyone's acceptance but your own. if you completely accept yourself, your actions will be beautiful and no one will hurt from them.
i'm starting to understand that myself. by starting to i mean that it is manifesting.
sleeping all night with a girl that i am so, so swooning over is a wonderful thing. i don't know anyone as brillantly fun as she.
ooo, last night emily and i got, like, 30 dozen eggs and distributed them onto people's porches all over town. some people we knew, some we didn't. we only clued one in on it. it was sooooo much fun. you've gotta do it sometime. it sounds, eh. but you do it, and lordy will it great.
SV is one of the best damn things i ever seen. i fell in love love. promise.
golly, gee, that's the most brilliant group of friends to ever exist. the whole spectrum of them.
i still have a tough time with the idea of katherine and i making out.
how i love her
FUNFUNFUN
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March 17th, 2005
06:02 pm - see ya.
hi hi hi!
i love all you fantastically
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12:35 am - what it's like to be ignored.
this friday: me and friends are gonna go see the ring two.
this saturday: a band is playing at decleyre. some of the kids in kiss, kiss, kill are in it. afterwards there will be a dance party.
if anyone wantsta come to the movie give me a ring at 606-9365. do the same if you want to know the time of the dance party, if you need directions. if you don't need or want either, then just drop by whenever.
only good picture of the night was of the lovely JB, and that's probably because she was being extra adorable to get me to take the picture.
out of the five cards that weren't in the deck, she picked one of them. oh, well.
stop acting like you care. i know you just want something to gossip about.
you never got a straight answer.
i'm glad i've worked on myself. i'd hate to feel that way. i feel at home where ever i'm at.
that riff was stolen from a classic rock melody.
you know how empty you feel.
i remember wh(y) i said that (ou)tside of the deli so long ago. you're the most unsupportive per(s)on i've had.
you are going to be okay. i promise. this is a temporary pain. you are strong, and you'll come out of it owning and glowing, writting a million best books.
i learned qui(t)e a bit tonight. not gonna bothe(r) s(a)yi(ng) what.
you don't care.
i'm exhausted. but before i go to s(l)e(e)p, i'(m) going to cry in my mourning. and when i'm done, i'm going to set it all up front.
goodby(e),
love
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March 16th, 2005
05:54 pm
i've been doing yoga twice a day for a few days now. i don't know why i ever stopped. my shoulders go from feeling fantastic to painful at different times through-out the day now. for anyone that does not know, my shoulders have been in the painful state for about five years. i've done yoga with robin for the past two days. i hope we keep it up.
( last night was extraordinary. )
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March 15th, 2005
05:42 pm - just plain ugly (you've turned into a beast)
excuse me on this one, please:
you know what, you're a fucking idiot. you are extra selfish and a coward. you are so scared that you can't even say what's going on, and you don't care unless it's about you. you don't stand up for anything. i don't think you've ever known what it means to sincerely and genuinely be there for another person. not even yourself.
just think of how many people don't like you. and they don't like you not because of a misunderstanding, not because they are just being stupid, not because they are being selfish, but because of the person you have transformed yourself into, because of how you treat them, because of how when you boil it down, you disregard their feelings, you disregard the friendship you have with them because you can't deal with yourself and you need distractions, or you are just being a selfish asshole. people can't stand you at all. they have to get up and leave the room when you are in it. even your family doesn't like you often enough for legitimate reasons that it should say something. pay attention to who you are. pay attention to how you treat people. stop using people as distractions. stop treating people like shit because treating them nicely doesn't fit into your selfish me-me-me routine. it's weird how vain you are, how much you love yourself, how funny and clever you think you are, when deep down, you can't stand who you are. keep up those distractions. keep pushing away the people who love you the most. keep hating yourself.
get the fuck over yourself.
there's so much i want to say. not shit just horrible shit like this, but about how much i love you. about how you need to stop working on what you want, and start working on what you need. two radically different things. one will keep you on your hideous path of distruction, and one will get you to love yourself and others. i want to be there for you, but i'm sick of your pointless lies. i'm sick of how much of a coward you are. i'm sick of how you treat me and everyone else. i'm sick of how you aren't there unless you feel like you are losing something (you are), or you need some sort of fucked up validation. i'm sick of how when you are paranoid you will not say something to my face, you have to call, or do some other cowardly way of communication instead of simply walking over. and calling is usually a last resort when you can't wait long enough for the other round a bout response. i'm sick of everything having to center in on yourself. i'm sick of you letting people talk trash about people you care about and love. i'm sick of you not taking up for something that you wouldn't stand for if it happened to you, or a loved one because it would mean you wouldn't be able to have fun with them. that is going to bite you hard someday. i'm sick of you forgetting what a person has done to you so that you can have fun. i'm sick of every thing you've turned into. you are nothing but a shadow of your previous beautiful self.
and you have pushed me away. you've lost me.
[love (sincerely)]
bye bye!
to everyone that the above does not apply to:
you are awesome. you uplift my heart even when you are not around. thank you for existing, and thank you for being my friend. i love you fully.
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05:33 pm
there's a fancy traveling vegan chef at decleyre RIGHT NOW. if you want to come call 458-9907 and ask for directions. he is so accepting donations. it'll be extra delicious. you'll feel bad if you miss it.
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March 14th, 2005
05:13 pm - get out of my space. stop absorbing my light.
wowzers, i slept a lot today. i think i did today. i kept sorta waking up and was all like, no, these dreams are important. SLEEP.
and they were. i don't remember them really, but i know i've taken on the information they held.
i feel rather fantastic today. ram's gone. sadness.
some people are totes bitch
all of your beauty is gone. you've lost it all in your mad search of self.
man, i feel like giggle (&quiet and contentish).
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING. NOT EVEN YOURSELF.
Current Music: the walkmen - the rat
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March 12th, 2005
02:41 pm - another one bites the dust
for me, this year is encompassed by death.
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March 10th, 2005
01:48 pm
past 18 hours have been odd.
talked to amanda, tried to talk to ben, don't know what to say to adrian. i miss them a whole lot. talking to amanda was the best thing. i wish ben's phone was working. then i could have another favourite.
not suprised about what all tim said. wish he didn't have such things. he's the life and keeps things living.
i have to go take pictures of some dumb office building soon. my first job taking pictures and it's the lamest. pays rent though, and that is awesome.
your name is in my heart at every moment. will it go away or become overtaken, or will i end up cheating myself and another for the rest of my life?
i've been editing photographs. i miss being able to take those "special" pictures. lines, curves, it's amazing.
i'll be able to do it by the end of the year. it'll bring me to my knees when i get it right. it hurts already. but it's a beautiful thing. and it's worth it. i just won't be able to do it often.
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March 9th, 2005
05:43 pm - lancinated dreams
walking past angels sheilding
the dead near their feet
gravestones shoot upwards
to the setting sky
reminding to which path heaven lays
this is really all too beautiful
how the orange sky
sweeps into red
a backdrop of confused purple
(i thought it was supposed to be blue?)
(maybe black?)
the grass here
so brightly green
with a sheen of the sky
melting into a glossy finish
it's really all too surreal
how quite it is
there are busy streets
and freeways near
with rushing metallic waves
a supernatural blanket
blocking out disturbance
it's really all too upsetting
how empty and full this place feels
void of life
springing forth with a gush
of love
and sorrow
and pain
how many people set under this ground
cared for gods story?
all of the stones
and tombs
and marble houses
have religious carvings
or words
or statues
when you're dead
loved ones cover
the just in case
i lost my love to this haunting
angelic decor
lost the beginning
i found in her
lost her only to be found
in mournful memories
i've brought her flowers
tulips-
her favourite
and all i have written
now that i'm not able to see
her face bloom
full of more colours
than the sky can dream
i knell
and rest unexpressing papers
on her cold tombstone
placing tulips on top
to hold them near
hoping that she could see them
to see that i wanted more to show
to say
than just
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March 5th, 2005
07:12 pm
the past six days were glorious. i love those kids so much. i'm going to miss them terribly. they helped clean my soul. adrian 
was. . . i don't know what to say about him. he's just amazingly interesting. ben 
</p>is like a puppy. everything about him. he even turns like a puppy. he's sooo adorable. amanda 
</p>is better than best. she seems to have such a thirst for everything. they are all beautiful. i appreciate them so much.</p>
adrian (am i spelling that right?) has the grip. that's right the grip is back.
i want to be jewish now. i learned so much about the religion the past few days, and i really appreciate it. of course, i would have to personalise it for myself. i seriously want to convert now. i'm gonna look into it.
i hung out with steve holland 
</p>on tuesday. he's in mississippi's house of representatives. his official title is chairman, public health and human services, or something like that. i didn't know politicians could be so AWESOME. we walked in the capital and he greeted us almost instantly, was somewhat interesting and left saying that we should stop by his office for some whiskey. AWESOME. we walked around the capital for a bit. it looks like an overly fancy mall. it's probably the shiniest</p>  </p>
building i have ever been in. amanda and i found a big ass book to sign.  </p>
</p>we meandered into his office, and he kicked some lowly politian folk out for our wonderful asses. he poured wine for obviously underage drinkers, gave us ten dollar cigars, and talked to us for 3 or so hours. i'd go into detail, but it's too AWESOME to write down. he was calling around a lot trying to get us tickets to see dean speak that night. sadly, it was sold out. i didn't want to leave his side. he might teach at miss state. i want to major in forestry even more now. i'd get to hang out with him. holy shit, that man is AWESOME</p>
we then went to go celebrate amanda's birthday 
i'm done talking. here's some random pictures:
aliens
something i like
something else i like
this is me secretly freaking out about the car getting towed.
the coolest house in the world
our last night together.
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March 1st, 2005
01:07 am - you'll never find someone near me
these boys are wonderful
and this girl
has made this boy's
weather change.
and what are these guy's
doing here?
Are they the Kurvy Krew? Some of them look like they could be pirates, and it two of them are definitely eating something. Not sure if it's it though.
Playfully, Ascanio said, "Sorry for being so immodest, but if I were not, I'd be perfect."
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February 23rd, 2005
03:27 pm
eh, what i can do? should i be suprised?
i'll be learning a lot now. thank you, thank you, i gots in.
it's been a long time since it has happened, but there was a boy at kroger that i liked a whole bunch. he was so freaking adorable. i wanted him. badly. i still do. lordy, lordy, he was cute. and he liked me.
i think it's funny that i know when a boy likes me, but if it's a girl i will question it and question it until there is stong foundation of them liking me. usually, it is built by something like, "paul, i like you." i need something that obvious before i do anything. talk about paranoid. wow, i should get over that.
luckily, i know i don't need to be in a relationship. it would just be a distraction. i already have to concentrate on making sure that magic isn't one. it would be nice to see somone, i'm sure, but i'm not lonely and there isn't anyone i really like enough to see. yeah, i'm attracted to a whole lot of people, but attraction is such a small part. that's a lame ass thing what i just said. here's what i mean, i'm not in love with anyone. not like that. i'm not going to bullshit myself or be with someone because it's fun, or whatever. there's nothing there at the end of the day but a distraction. dates are fine, just not the other thing. fine for anybody that wants it or does it. i'm not doing some passive aggressive online journal bullshit. i'm talking about me and what i want.
what i want is to be fine on my own.
really, even though my whole sad thing (which, by the way, hasn't really popped it's head up in a week or two, so i really shouldn't even say that i am), i am the healthiest i have been since i was a kid. i have gotten over so much shit, or i know what is going on, that i don't. . . oh, who cares.
i'm fine.
i spend most of my days smiling again.
i can't wait for warm weather.
i'm scheduled for magic now. all for kids. i prefer doing magic for adults more than anything, but i freaking love being around kids. they the awesomest. first off, i perform after my birthday at botanical gardens, then at st. jude in april, and then for 1 to 3 classes at st. anne in april or may. boy do i have a lot to work on.
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February 21st, 2005
11:40 pm
tonight was the best night i have had in forever.
i am one massive smile. beautiful
so beautiful
i love you,
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February 18th, 2005
02:53 am - it's time to say goodbye.
Eighties night sounds like it was a lot of fun. Wish I knew about it and went.
Ascanio's books are finally being released in English. I am excited to no end.
friend
i'm learning so much about what that means. not about hanging out or any of that mess. but friends. the complete circle of it. this has nothing to do about other people. it's about what i want. the level of meaning that i search for.
i'm also learning about how to not talk about what i learn. it only comes off as preaching. i'm not. i wasn't.
this bit reminds me a whole lot of people after they watched all of those crappy philosophical movies and read that shitty philosophical book last year.
you would love the effect i created for you.
i love you,
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February 16th, 2005
09:41 pm - i'm going to read your minds.
the snake molted under the heat lamp. cooked snake skin is not pleasant.
talking to jim, my magic theory is getting a strong foundation. besides next monday (i get initiated and have to perform), i do not think i will perform magic for months now. it's funny what this is doing to me. i improved dai's effect, and i now doubt i will ever perform it now. it's too convoluted. that's not so true. it's extremely simple and easy to understand. cute. that's what it is. i want bricks to your head. i want more than impossible, i want magic. i want astonishment. i don't want to levitate 4 inches off of the ground with my back facing you. i want to float about a foot up with my back facing you, turn in mid-air so that i can look at you, and then set back down. i don't want to bend a spoon, i want to bend every part of a fork in different directions in front of your face, without any explaination. i don't want a torn card to appear in a bottle, i want your fucking signature on it. i don't want the card you picked to be sandwiched in the middle of the deck, i want the card you fucking thought of to be sandwiched in the middle. give me till the end of the year. i promise.
i am not going to do a seance anymore. it's too damn cute, and i don't care for it. at all.
i got my phone turned back on. they knocked even more off of the price, and said they will most likely credit me back all but 50 or 60 of it. the lady on the phone was awesome. i lub her.
assbitch. i went from reading 800 words per minute to 400. suck. i gots to work hard now, yoso.
if jesus were around, he'd eat at the sub shop. he'd end up marrying the lady that makes the sandwiches, and on the honeymoon, he'd slip it in her butt. afterwards, they would eat sandwiches to regain their strength for more newlywed butt sex.
eyes, memory, languages.
booyakasha
keep that quiet wish.
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01:11 am - matt makes sense.
fuck this shit.
i'm out.
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12:14 am - experimental approach
what a weird day.
i missed my first ever lecture. i thought it said it was at botanical, but it was way the hell out there. oh, well. ammar is coming in april. that would be a perfect lecture to have as my first. but tonight's was kid magic. something i really want to get into. something that i really need to learn considering i have to perform for two to three classes in april or may, and i'm going to st. jude about the same time.
i was on the phone with cingular all freaking day. they messed up a bill from when i was in chicago, and kept sending it there instead of here. and then they tacked on hundreds of dollars worth of late fees. they straightened it all out though. took off all of the late fees. my phone still isn't on. because they are different districts i can't pay in memphis. i have to phone in with a check or credit card, BUT, by the time they got it all straightened out it was too late. haha.
mainly, i feel really great about things. i'm starting to feel like a different person. i've been paying attention to so much anger, sadness, and other emotional mess that i am starting to heal at my core. i don't really have bad feelings about anything right now. not any situation or person. the only somewhat sad feeling i have right now is that i feel like i'm really disliked right now. but on the other hand, i'm still fine with that. i don't understand how i can be fine with that, but i am. (and later, finding out that none of it is true is extremely uplifting. EXTREMELY UPLIFTING. "oh, god," is a statement i don't use, and i said it a dozen times while laughing)
you know that one entry about trash talking and i wigged out? yeah, well, i know who was doing the trash talking now. how extremely funny.
i'm sorry my sadness is boring to you. however, the last thing i do is dwell on it. and i do not sit around and complain about. i'm fucking healing myself. i'm going over everything to get the shit out of me. i'd rather do that than pretend it's not there and have it come back all of the fucking time. sound familiar?
i'm getting on the right track with life now.
i love you
haha. how funny.
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bhava's journal